Growing up and letting go

Today, my oldest two daughters are leaving on a jet plane. Unlike the song, however, I do know when they will be back again. In exactly 13 days, when we will be meeting up with them at a campground in north central Iowa.  I know that while they are gone, they will be having a lot of fun, seeing new and wonderful things, and exploring what it means to be away from mom and dad for awhile.  But it doesn't mean that I won't be missing them, terribly and completely, between now and then.

The process of letting go begins, I think, almost as soon as your child comes out of the womb.  In that miracle of birth, you are so anxious and excited to meet this new child.  However, she is soon taken from your belly to be weighed and measured, poked and prodded, and made sure that she is healthy. You want nothing more than to hold her close, and keep her there forever, but you realize that she's no longer inside and a part of you.  And thus the times of having her away and apart from you begin.

I saw it written once that having a child means understanding what it’s like to have your heart walk around outside your body. While I totally get this sentiment, I also think that being a parent means having the ability to accept that I could be crushed should something terrible happen to my child, and yet still be willing to let her out to explore and engage with the world.

I want and hope so much for each of my children.  But not as a way to complete me, or to give me a chance to do my own childhood over.  Instead, my children are a way for me to begin understanding what it is to be a parent, and to explore this aspect of my purpose in life.

I know that raising children means that eventually, they will be out on their own, leading their own lives.  And I know that I want this for my daughters.  I want them to be self-sufficient, able-bodied people who contribute positively to society.  But I also know that I will never be content to completely let them go.

Will my experience be different from my mom's? Yes, I'm sure in some ways it will.  However, in others, I hear her voice right inside my heart, helping to guide me in making good decisions about what is important to hold on to, and when it is important to let go.

So for now, while these two beautiful girls are away from me, I'm hoping to engage in a doing a few things that are more difficult to accomplish when there are five of us in the house.  And then, when we are reunited, I know I will have a fresh appreciation of them as individuals, who are growing up and who are helping me learn how to let go.

My Mommy and Daddy Kiss on the Lips

We were at dinner the other night at my in-laws.  My husband's niece and her husband of less than one year were there also.  My three year old was watching and observing everything during dinner. All of a sudden, I hear her say "My mommy and daddy kiss on the lips."  Having been less observant than her, I wondered where this "out of the blue" comment came from. Then realized, as our niece started to comment ... "whoops, guess that wasn't so unobtrusive," that my baby had observed a quick peck on the lips between the two newlyweds and then engaged her sense of observation to blurt out a related comment.

We often don't realize how our actions, no matter how little and how small, are being observed by these little people we are raising.  I think if we realized it more, all of our actions would be kinder and gentler all the time. There would be more kisses and hugs and less irritation. More asking of questions and problem solving and less telling of what to do.

I know we don't get it right all of the time, but I'm hopeful that we are getting it right a lot of the time.  Especially when a three year old will observe and comment to others on the good.  At least she's not saying "my mommy and daddy yell at each other." She makes me hopeful that there is enough love and joy in her life that she is comfortable letting the world know that we love each other and aren't afraid to show it.

Yesternight

As my children grow, one of the things that always amazes me is how they acquire language. From the little coos and tentative "mamas" to understanding and wielding words just for the sake of talking, their journey is one which allows them to engage with others in discovering the world.

Perhaps one of the funnest sources of discovery is when they start to understand idioms.  One of my favorite stories of discovery has, interestingly, been the same with every child.  We often say we are going to "jump in the shower," especially when we are running behind and in need of moving on to the next activity for the day.  However, with each of our daughters, this particular phrase has resulted in first a puzzled expression, followed by laughter.  "You can't jump in the shower, mommy.  You'll fall down and get hurt."

We have had quite a few laughs over the expressions that we use and take for granted will be understood.  But it never ceases to amaze me about the ease with which these children start picking up the meaning behind what you are saying. It seems as if overnight they get to understand what you mean when you say "I'm going to run to the store" or "I'll be back in a flash."

However, what gets me most is when my kids can't find just the right word.  Then they resort to making up their own words.  My favorite of these words is yesternight - a word used to describe something that happened yesterday, but during the night.  What a perfect new word! And what skill and finesse all three of them have displayed when using this new word.  It is one we now all use easily to describe what happened last night!

Engagement is a Choice

Everyday, we are confronted with the question of "what's next?"  What's next to get our attention?  Who and how soon is the next crisis going to arise?  What choice am I next going to have to make?

Where you choose to put your attention doesn't always seem to be at your discretion. Do you really have a choice to not engage with your kids when they are having a heated and hurtful argument?  Do you really have a choice about dealing with an irritated client?  What about when the company you work for says you have to take the training course on Business Ethics?

The answer is that you do always have a choice - that may seem obvious but it's a good thing to remember. Often, I have felt that I didn't really have a choice. But when I look at the situation, it's not really that I don't have a choice.  Instead, it's more that I know if I choose a certain way, I'm not going to like the outcome. It's also true that if I feel forced into a choice, I may rebel by deciding to not fully engage with my decision. Finally, not making a decision is also a choice; one that may have unintended outcomes!

Lately, I find that if I take time to pause and ask myself--"won't life be sweeter if I do both - recognize the reasons why I am making this decision and then consciously become fully engaged with it?"--that I'm both happier about my choice and more likely to deal with it.

If you are lucky, the choices you are making are conscious ones. Then it is up to you how you choose to engage with them.  If you reluctantly get up in the morning just because if you don't, the kids won't, and then you'll be late to work, and the day-to-day will start all over again, that's a choice.  However, if you hop out of bed saying  "I can't wait to greet my kids and get my day started" it is a whole different prospect.

Today, I'm choosing to make conscious choices for how I engage with life.

First engage, then explore

Ideas that force you to think about how you would apply them to your life - either through your work, in your home, or when you play - these are the things that first engage me. When I can find a way to make something tangible, then I want to explore it.

For years I have had my own small vegetable garden. It was something my parents did and something, that when I owned my first home, I wanted to continue on my own. For years, I repeated what I had seen my mom plan and my dad execute - rows upon rows of vegetables. Theirs was a garden that looked to be the size of a small country, when in reality it was only about 1/8 of the back yard. I didn't know or remember how much work that was to maintain - caring for the vegetables, watering them, weeding the rows and basically just working, and working, and working for the harvest. But I explored the idea and I learned and it gave me a certain joy and peace.

And then our daughters were born - one, then two, and finally three. The garden was planned, planted and harvested, but it turned from a joy to a chore. It became weed infested; crops went unpicked. The summer days of putting away the harvest in jars to enjoy during the winter faded away. I lost my desire to engage anymore in this activity to which I was once so lovingly engaged.

Two years ago, a friend mentioned that she and her husband had picked up a book called Square Foot gardening. At the same time, both my husband and I had heard the author talk about his methods on MPR. Well, this was all it took for me to re-engage in the idea of gardening. I picked up the book, read through it, and started planning how to revitalize that back yard garden.

Today, I have the garden of my dreams growing in the back yard. It is virtually weed-free and so easy to maintain. My daughters are even willing to help with the planting, watering, weeding and feeding and we are all loving the joy of the harvest - evidenced by the devouring of the first fresh green bean crop and the putting away of four quarts of the same for consumption this winter.

This blog is an effort to re-engage - in the idea that there is much in life to explore and discover. Enjoy!